What now?

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I have no idea who reads my blog. Not a clue if anyone I know has ever found their way to this end of the web. Nonetheless, if anyone can hear me, at least I said it.

Since April 2015, because of one incident (and I did this by the book by the way AND was asked to be flexible), I have been picked on and thrown under the bus several times.

I can’t even remember the number of times I’ve felt I was being attacked (whether through a seemingly harmless joke or to the extent of being yelled at directly). I didn’t do anything about it. All I did was sit and did my job. When I answered back and defended myself, things and responsibilities would be taken off my hands. Position does not allow respect to be overruled. Doesn’t mean a ladder step above gives anyone the right to bully anyone.

A few months ago, I was able to at least find an outlet. Someone who knew me before any of this happened said, “It’s like you’ve been traumatized, like you fell into a hole”. And I was. I was scared to even say anything because my job was being threatened.  So I knuckled under. Cried. Smoked more. Gained weight. Prayed EVERY morning hoping I wouldn't get picked on. And yes, even tried a rusty blade.

I thought a break of 3 months from all this would calm and ease my mind. There were times I would wake up in the middle of the night, afraid that I’d be stressed again to go back to work when I was told to go back. Poor husband. All he could say was, "Let it go. It's not worth it." But I could feel his worr for me. I also thought a transfer would be good for me. A fresh start somewhere else. Then it blew up. Nothing was intentional but it unfolded the way it did. And I got stuck in the middle. It was never about the work load. Work is work. It was always about the environment. I was bullied. I am bullied. And now, it’s happening again. God knows how many minions have been told in whatever version their ears absorbed. But now, I know that some people look at me differently. Whatever they want to believe about me, go ahead.

It’s tiring.

I will do my job and do it well and choose happiness and positivity despite everything.

God, please help me. 

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