a start

I've had this blog for a while now. But I always wondered how come I never filled it with content. Even just filling it with my empty thoughts to pass the time. I never really understood why. Although, now I think I have a clue. I think I needed to be in the starting line to actually get something rolling. As simple as this blog may seem, I couldn't really fill it when I was in the middle of unfinished business.

We go through this life with lots of bumps, corners, and road blocks. But that's not to say you can't ride over a bump. You can't curve and avoid the corner. Or, you can't just pick an open road instead. Yes, we do have to deal with these. But after that, you can breathe and decide to start again. And after that, there's that feeling of weight literally being lifted from your shoulders. Well, I choose to remove that weight. I choose to move forward, lighter, and happier.

I have been told by a few who think knew better than me about my own life. One told me, "you don't belong here, you're too young." another said, "what you did was not even relevant, it wasn't worth anything". and another said, "the nerve".

I don't want to live and move forward trying to forget what they said. I don't want to move forward acting like it didn't affect me. Because it did. As embarrassing as this sounds but I am a chronic-social-pleaser. I like it when I please the crowd. And it affects me when I can't please everyone. But reality sits firmly on it's old leather chair. YOU CAN'T PLEASE EVERYONE.

So, instead of wallowing in self-pity and numerous television shows I don't really watch but just stare at, I think it's about time I decided to move. Not really forward. But just move. That's a start. Move for myself, my husband, our little family, our future, and well..... for the better of me. I was thinking of laying low and hiding when one of my sources of strengths told me, "don't hide. that's an insult to yourself." So there. I'm choosing to be positive, to be happy, to move, and to take it a day at a time. I don't plan to plan anymore. We always assume for plan Bs anyway. I've been so used to having direction and being disappointed. I'll use what was said and thought of me, use it to be a better person, and pray for that person's perception of life.

I choose to perceive people and life as a happy place. I don't need to wait til I'm 6 feet under and wishing for a heaven. This is my heaven. This is my now. I know it. I own it.

A start. I think that's good enough for now.


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